May has been a wild ride. After ten years (ish, I’m not exactly sure), I decided to go off of my antidepressant. I’d been considering it for a while, but I knew it was going to suck since I get withdrawal symptoms as soon as I miss a dose. It’s hard to commit to doing it, like when is it ever a good time to feel like shit, ya know? I’ve always taken meds at night because they often cause stomach upset, so i just take them right before I’m ready to sleep. I started with a half dose on a Tuesday night, and then took half for the next two nights, followed by a quarter on the fourth night. The first few days weren’t bad at all, just some brain zaps, which I expected in abundance, when I got tired. Due to the mild reaction, I was too optimistic and set myself up š š. The day following my cut to a quarter dose didn’t bring any new, awful consequences, so I jumped the gun and went cold turkey. While it expedited the process, I regretted it immensely the next day. I had an entire day of brain zaps (consider yourself lucky if you have no idea what I’m talking about. The best way I can describe them is like that moment where you jolt awake, only you’re awake the entire time and it just keeps happening over and over again), uncontrollable crying, and nausea so bad that you wish you just could puke to make it stop. Even the leftover Zofran from Ash’s pregnancy didn’t touch it. It’s probably expired by now, but still. I think ten years worth of unspent tears leaked from my face in one day. The brain zaps came, expectedly, from moving my head (well, really just my eyes, even), and unexpectedly, from drinking water that was too cold. It has been almost four weeks, and whenever I get really tired, stressed, or hungry, I’m still having some. Dr. Google tells me this is normal šµš«. I knew the detox would be awful, but I underestimated the severity and length. Truthfully, had I known, I may not have gone through with it, so I’m kinda glad I didn’t.
Everyone whom I’ve told that I stopped taking my medicine has asked the same question: why? First and foremost, I felt like it has acted as a personality suppressant for a very long time. Granted, at the height of my depression, my personality was pretty shitty, so that wasn’t all bad. However, I became so…I don’t even know the right word, passive? maybe? that I struggled with setting boundaries with people. I couldn’t say things that needed to be said because I couldn’t find the words. That was a whole problem in another way, too. I felt like my vocabulary, which used to be quite extensive, had shrank. I had constant brain fog that led to me asking other moms if that was a parenting side effect or a medicine side effect. I lost my sass, and that’s like 50% of my identity. I just hadn’t felt like ME in so long.
The journey to finding a medicine that worked for me was so, so long that once I did, I never wanted to go off of it. I’ve definitely said to other friends who take similar medications that I never planned to stop. However, after moving last year, and different life changes, I thought it would be a good idea to see what life was like now, unmedicated. The changes I’ve felt are unbelievable. I’ve laughed so much. I enjoy music again, which used to be just another contribution to the constant noise that consumes my mothering life. I literally had the best time shampooing my carpet and listening to Taylor Swift one day š. I can feel intense emotions again, which is a welcome change at the moment. Each day feels like my brain works a little better. I still have some brain fog, but it clears much more quickly as time goes on, like I have a faster reaction time. It was so strong during those first days of cold turkey that I wouldn’t even drive. I am certain that it would’ve been comparable to driving drunk, despite never having done that. Sometimes I cry whenever I get frustrated, but it’s a good release, and then I can refocus and let it go (Quinn needs to works on this. More on that later š).
The timing of this experiment gave me some pause because Quinn finished school and my life got more stressful š« . There are definitely days that I struggle, but I’m enjoying being untamed š . Even Philip said to me that he feels like I’m a whole different person, like back to my old self. I’m fully aware that I could need to take something in the future, and I’m willing to do so. However, I will probably try different options before I use prescription ones again. I think it was the right choice to use at the time, but I’ve lost myself so slowly over time that I didn’t even realize how much was gone.
The withdrawal has been so harsh and so sucky, and I can say, without a doubt, I wouldn’t have continued doing it if not for Philip. He held down the fort alone that first day while I sat on the couch and cried all of the liquid out of my body. He asked me that morning if I was okay and I just looked at him, sobbing, and said “I just can’t stop.” I was completely useless for that 24 hours. I’m so grateful to have a partner and coparent who can do it all on his own, giving me the space I needed to recover. The kids knew I wasn’t feeling well, but the household ran seamlessly anyway.
The second day was still neurologically bad, but the crying had stopped. Well, until Quinn brought home his nap time blanket from school because he wouldn’t need it anymore š . Something about the finality of that set me off. His pre-k gradation fell on day three of my detox, and I was very much still brain zapping and the struggle was real keeping myself together during the ceremony. I managed to not shed any tears, but they pooled in my eyes several times. The pics are posted below.
So, the good news is, so far, I’m so much happier than I’ve been in a long time. I’m a little volatile, but I prefer it. The bad news is, if you haven’t liked me in the last several years, that may or may not get any better š.
My biggest struggle, emotionally, is dealing with anger. These kids push my buttons like no one else, but I’m working on remembering that they’re just little. That won’t stop me from enforcing rules and teaching them life lessons, but sometimes it’s important to give them a little bit of grace. That little one sure is cute, but man, I forgot how frustrating three year olds can be. Ash is in the ask-me-the-same-question-a-million-times stage of life. Sometimes he doesn’t even wait for an answer, he just asks on repeat until my head explodes, and sometimes he keeps asking, hoping to get a different answer. I remember I used to not tell Quinn things were happening until right before because I didn’t want to be asked if it was time to go. We are back to that, assuming Quinn doesn’t know already. If Quinn asks in the morning if we are doing something that day, then I’m screwed š. He, at least, has learned how to ask Siri those annoying questions instead of me. As long as he knows what time we’re leaving he can say, “Hey Siri, how many minutes until one o’clock?” It’s very handy. Idk why he cares because he has only the slightest possible grip on the concept of time anyway, but as long as people aren’t nagging me, I like it.
I don’t know why these children think that all questions have to go through me. Like, they will ask me questions about someone else IN SAME THE ROOM. “Hey Mom, does Dad like xyz?” “I don’t know, maybe you should ask him SINCE HE’S RIGHT THERE!” I probably do know, but I won’t answer on principle š. It drives me nuts.
Annoying questions are nothing compared to the three year old’s disregard for other people’s bodies and the incessant need to argue š¤¬. If I could detach his feet for the next year, I’d do it today. Right now. Where do I sign? š. Ash has been in time out more times this month than he probably has his entire life, and it’s been primarily for kicking his brother.
I don’t know where that child gets the audacity to question my grown up sense of direction, but he had better put it back š. We’ll be driving somewhere (like, in town, but not that that should matter to the person who knows how to get exactly nowhere), and Asher will say, “Mama, are you sure this is how to get to the park?” Oh, you mean the park that I’ve been to and taken you to a million times before? Yes. š.
He has redeeming qualities, like his boo boo recovery time is minimal š . He comes to me, crying, blubbering about whatever it is that happened that I can’t understand, and like 10 seconds later he’ll say, “I wanna go play with Quinn.” Alright š. Thanks for sharing, I guess.
As I mentioned, Quinn has trouble letting go of his anger, but Ash has such a different temperament and he’ll say, “Quinn needs to take a deep breath.” š¤£. He cracks me up. You just never know what he’s going to say. He brought me a Blow Pop with half of the wrapper off one day and asked me to take off the rest of it. I asked how he got it open and he said, “I’m the world’s strongest man,” without missing a beat š .
They love to argue and blame things on each other, and I’m already done with that, this early in the summer. I’m tired of trying to decide who’s telling the truth, so they both get a consequence. Quinn gets realllllly mad when he feels he’s been unjustly punished and he’ll hold a grudge for days. We’ve had many conversations about how he needs to take a deep breath, let it go, and move on with our day. He thinks he’s going to get “payback,” but he’s not. If I’m wrong, and I know it, I apologize to him. If I’ve told them to stop wrestling a million times, and they continue, and then I say, “If you’re not gonna stop, then if someone gets hurt, you’re both going to time out,” and then Ash cries, that’s what they get. Right or not, it usually works to get them to knock it off after one time out session.
When they’re not fighting, they play together pretty well, so that’s like 15% of the time, I guess š. They’ve had to adjust to being around each other 24/7 again. Before school was out, Ash and I went to Dollar Tree one day. I got a quarter out at the register in anticipation of him wanting to get a gum ball out of the machine. That day he chose to get a bouncy ball instead, and then he asked if we could get one for Quinn š„¹. I love when they think of being kind to one another, even when they aren’t together.
Quinn gets so mad at me sometimes (and vice versa! š), but we usually reconnect at bedtime. That boy uses me like a pillow whenever he’s tired. I’m not the biggest fan of clinginess, but I sure do feel loved with him draped over me, as if I’m his security object. Many nights, he’ll say back to me what I try to remember to say often to him: “I will always love you, no matter what.” I want him to know that I’m always in his corner, even when he’s driving me crazy.
Stalder’s Creamery hosted the Barnyard Boogie, an event that got moved inside the Parlor on Main because of the weather. Live music inside a space that echos is on my top ten list of things I don’t wish to experience again šµš«. The boys had fun though!
I had a great Mother’s Day weekend picking strawberries at Stacy Family Farm š,
And having a cookout with Philip’s side of the family. All kids, big and little, love our water table. Emma is a goober and her video doorbell pic cracks me up š.
The middle of May brought the start of market season, and while I’m not managing it anymore, I still like to go and support it (It’s also a social club, if I’m being honest š). The boys like to support Patrick the most, since he makes cookies the size of their heads! The smores brownies he makes are delicious and some of the messiest treats we’ve ever had š« . Thank goodness I travel with wipes. I also travel with just a wagon stroller with no storage, but it doesn’t stop me from buying a flat of seedlings š± š¤¦š»♀️. Thank goodness for friends who offer to help whenever they see you struggling. John saved me from humiliation by driving my crap to our house š . I’m sure it would’ve ended up on Route 2 otherwise š« .
Quinn had his last Pre-K field trip. They went to Oglebay Zoo. He’s been there many times before, so at first, he said he didn’t want to go. We were fine with letting him skip it if he really didn’t want to go, but I talked to him about how it would be a different experience going with his school friends, so then he decided to go. They had made shirts earlier in the year for the trip, and I knew he wouldn’t want to wear it. He changed as soon as he got home from school that day, and Ash asked if he could have his shirt, and Quinn said yes š. He was complaining about having had to wear it and I asked if he told his teachers he didn’t want to, and he said yes, but they told him too bad, he had to š. I’m just happy I didn’t have to fight that battle with him.
Our big boy graduated from Pre-K! He hated every second of the ceremony š. It was a repeat of his Little Red Schoolhouse graduation—no dancing, singing, or participating of any kind. I only got a smile when he was presented with his diploma because he’s conditioned to it and I yelled, “Smile for your mother!” š
We planned to have a fun day as a celebration of him being done with school, so we headed up to Grandpa Joe’s Candy Shop in Wheeling. They have an amazing assortment of candy, ice cream, and sensory toys. It was super cool!
They also have these awesome (sometimes accurate) socks š .
After the candy store, we hit up Four Seasons pool in Moundsville, which was also fun š♂️ š♂️ š♀️
We finished up our celebration with a trip to Peking. Quinn saw another kid from his class there and didn’t know what to do with himself š. He kept wanting to see hi but he was being too shy.
Aunt Lulu got Quinn a graduation present that included candy. He had already had a ton the day he got it, and he asked to go to the high school track to run, so we told him he could have a piece for every lap he ran š. He did 3 and Ash did 4 (in Crocs š¤¦š»♀️), which is equal to one mile!
We got to see this pretty girl’s last softball game š„, and boy did they get the win. The 15 run rule shut the game down in the fourth inning!
I’d say she takes after me, but that would be a lie because I sucked š. My name is first on that sign, but if the names were in order of skill, I should’ve been dead last. I had a lot of fun though, and isn’t that what matters? š¤Ŗ.
Speaking of high school, this year marks 20 years since I graduated and I’m officially old š« .
Ash and I got to watch Harper’s spring choir concert. Quinn hadn’t behaved well and wasn’t allowed to go. He wasn’t that upset about it, so to make it more of a punishment, I told him there would be a concession stand there š¤£š¤£. He loves a concession stand. There wasn’t really, of course. Philip said Ash would probably have more fun staying home, but I said, “Yeah, but so would Quinn, so he’s going” š. He wanted to go anyway. Luckily, Rowan was there to keep him entertained ❤️. He loves her.
We had some cookie dipping fun with their Preston cousins for Memorial Day.
Some other tasty treats š¤¤
We had a get together with Philip’s family, too, but the only pics I got were of Emma and I trying out Anetia’s crazy hair curler. That thing slurps your hair in like it’s a spaghetti noodle, which is a little scary š«£.
But the results are very nice. I just did two facing framing ones like it was 2002 again š¤Ŗ.
Ash was a bit lost because his counterpart wasn’t there. He already had plans to hang with his friend, Merritt that day. They went to the mall, had pizza, played at Merritt’s house, and then went to play putt putt golf. He had a great day!
A Five Little Speckled Frogs themed sensory bin with homemade play dough, hot glue letters and numbers, and a “hollow log” I created from an oatmeal container, hot glue “bark,” and paint.
We painted some pretty pots and have enjoyed watching our sunflower seeds grow. Can’t wait for blooms! š» š» š»
We painted more pots, but we turned them into wind chimes. If you asked them, I’m pretty sure they’d say the hair dryer was the best part of that craft š.
Bean practiced putting the letters of his name in the right order around a flower š¼
They practiced matching lowercase letters to uppercase in flowerpots.
Quinn: “SOPHIE! You’re blocking the tv!” š
Paw Patrol š¾ watching the kids.
Anything can be a pillow if your standards are low enough š¤·š»♀️.
Same for forts.
All of the kids in this house love forts.
She intentionally laid on both of our feet š
She’s a really good nap partner.
Quinn is ALWAYS wanting to pose with Sophie, so now Ash wants to, too.
Quinn walked her for the entire walk with just us supervising one evening. He thinks he’s a hot shot now š.
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