Twenty twenty six has gotten off to a pretty good start. I’ve been working out consistently since mid-December, an update I hesitate to share because of my fickly commitment to my health. The phase may pass as soon as I hit publish, just like a my fair-weather running 😂. My excitement for it waned with the temperature, not that it was ever very high. However, I’ve been seeing some results that I like, so who knows what will happen. I’m not sure if the timing of my new workout routine is just coincidence or causation, but my mental health is probably the best it has been in years. I kind of hope the exercise is to blame (blame? thank, probably, although it doesn’t feel that way when my muscles make me feel like I’m going to die), so that it may inspire me to make it a lasting habit. Being healthy did, in fact, used to be a habit I had, and being consistent with a workout routine kinda feels like coming home. Like, I’m one step closer to being back to who I used to be. I got lost in early motherhood. So, so lost. But I’m finally working on figuring out who I am again, and that’s a good feeling.
I have the least amount of brain fog I’ve had in years. Literally, years. I have coherent thoughts, and I can even think of what of I was about to say sometimes. I remember items on a to-do list, or groceries I need to add to our Walmart order. My wit is returning, and I can even conjure up synonyms occasionally. Some days are better than others, like if I’m tired (or if Asher Cole has been talking nonstop while I’m trying to do literally anything), I feel like my newly acquired superpowers are diminished, but my brain power feels stronger in general. I think I even have less anxiety, which is weird. When I first started writing this, I made the bold claim that I thought my anxiety was gone, but then life intervened and proved me wrong when I freaked out over something small that ended up working out anyway 🫠.
One thing I had questioned and talked to ChatGPT about (because I don’t see my PCP until the end of the month) is my prolonged use of antidepressants and the lasting effects it had on me. I stopped taking Pristiq (an SNRI) in mid-May of last year, and I wondered, could it really have taken 7 months for it to completely wear off? The answer is yes, according to the internet gods. The drugs wear off rather quickly, but the brain zaps sure as shit don’t. Those finally subsided completely by about month two, but apparently it can take up to a year for emotional regulation to take place (I will report back if my PCP disagrees and says Chat is a filthy liar).I have truly felt emotionally stunted for the longest time. I still get irritated and overwhelmed, but I feel better equipped to handle it now, for no reason at all. Like, I didn’t do anything to get there, other than wait it out, I guess.
At the time that I first started taking an antidepressant, I still, even now, feel like it was the best choice. I had a super stressful job that had caused me to have a stomach ulcer. We were back and forth between unsuccessfully trying to get pregnant and figuring out what life would look like if we never did. I had started my bachelor’s degree, but my job at the time expected me to be working on a niche associate’s degree that wouldn’t even give me a leg up at any other company, just because the field I was studying wasn’t what they wanted. I already had two associate degrees, but again, not in what they wanted. I was struggling, and taking the medication (and changing jobs) helped me immensely. Because of that, I never wanted to go off of it. I know I’ve said before that I never planned to. I was too afraid of feeling that low again.
I came to the decision to do it after more than ten years because Philip and I had talked about it, and he helped me make some observations. I recognized that my circumstances in life were significantly better, and in reality, the medicine wasn’t making me feel good anymore (anxiety, mood instability, reduced motivation, and sleep issues, to name a few). If you’ve ever switched SSRI/SNRI’s, you know the transition is brutal. I did not want to do it, and honestly, going off completely was way worse than switching would’ve ever been, but I figured if I was going to have a shitty time either way, I might as well go completely off and see what happened next.
If you take an antidepressant when you don’t actually need it anymore, it can cause those symptoms I mentioned experiencing above, and many more. My biggest regret isn’t having started taking it, it is not having stopped it sooner. I wasn’t brave enough to try and because of that, I lost precious years with my boys where I was anxious and angry and apathetic. A whole trio of A words that make me sad to think about how it has affected my relationships with my boys and Philip. I was literally incapable of feeling otherwise while taking my medication.
I’m making an effort to be more mindful of my actions and reactions, reminding myself that the boys are 3 and 6, and some things just aren’t that big of a deal. I’ve recognized that I struggle during situations where I’m not able to be in control, which means I’m more likely to make a rash decision. Just as I try to teach them, I need to pause and take some deep breaths, and think it through.
Anyway, that’s where I’m at at the moment. It feels kind of exposing to be sharing things while I’m growing and learning, and to be completely honest, I won't go back and read anything I've previously written because I'm afraid I'll be embarrassed. However, I hope someone can grow and learn from my mistakes, too.
***Disclaimer*** I am in no way, advocating for anyone else to stop taking their antidepressant. That can be a very risky thing to do and the decision shouldn’t be made lightly, and should probably be made with the consultation of a doctor 😬. You do you. I’m just sharing my own experience.
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