Our days of diapers (well, pull-ups at this point) are finally (finally!) over. I was beginning to think Ash was never going to poop in the potty. He’s been peeing in his urinal for months, but he was highly unmotivated to poop in the toilet, despite being offered everything under the sun as a reward for doing so. Anytime he mentioned a new toy or a fun experience, I would offer it as a potty prize. You want a new costume? Absolutely, just poop in the potty! A visit to the trampoline park? Sounds fun! We’ll go today if you poop in the potty. Nothing worked. And then, one day, he just did it on his own, out of the blue. Yay, right? Well, yes, but then I decided that was that, he was there, no going back. So when he pooped in his pants later that same day and then again the next day, I was beyond frustrated. I handled it all wrong, letting my anger take control, shaming him in my tone, even if my words didn’t quite say it. He cried and I felt like an asshole. Philip and I had a conversation about it and he helped me see the error in my approach (which didn’t work, by the way. Ash didn’t stop doing it, he just tried harder to hide it 😩) and I backed off of my all or nothing stance and let him lead.
I wanted so badly to help Ash achieve his potty milestone, but mostly I was just a complete pain the ass to him. I reminded him approximately 783 times a day that if he needed to poop, he needed to do it in the potty. I set a timer for every 45 minutes and told him to go pee, and then I would ask him every time if he needed to poop. I don’t think any of that was super important, what it really boiled down to was waiting for him to be ready. Some of the most frustrating moments as a parent happen during situations where we have no control. We can’t make them eat, sleep, or use the bathroom. We can manipulate the situation—by giving them the foods we want them to have, or turning out the lights, closing the door, etc., or by sitting them on the potty, but we can’t actually make them do any of those things. And they won’t do them until they’re ready, and we just have to accept it. All kids are different and they all do things on their own timeline, despite our biggest efforts, sometimes.
Ash may not have been previously motivated with bribes, but he is now. We started out with choosing from a prize box, which I filled with an eclectic assortment of junk that I collected at Lucky Duck on dollar day. For example, I found a gold chalice (his favorite color is gold), which he calls a trophy, and it is now a prized possession. Other winners have been a tube of different colored crepe paper, which the boys strung all over the house, and rainbow tinted safety glasses. Incentivized pooping has lead to him announcing he has to poop about 14 times a day (half of the times he actually does), so the prize box is no longer feasible, and we have reduced the reward to only candy. If he asks if he can have candy at 8am and I say no, he suddenly has to poop. He produces poop for candy, almost like a party trick. He has never pooped this much before in his life.
Quinn and Ash helped Dad make homemade birthday cake flavored marshmallows, which were a nice potty prize. They're really good!
He's even teaching his superhero toys how to use the urinal 😂. I hear him cheering them on. He also cheers himself on. I've heard him say, "Come on, Asher, you can do it." 😂 😂 😂
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This picture may not say much to you, but it shows significant growth. We have been going to Story Time at the library since Asher was born. Until a few weeks ago, he has always sat on my lap. Even though Iris usually goes with us, and she sits on a mat on the floor, as do pretty much all of the other kids, he always climbs up to me. I'm not sure what prompted it, but one day, he grabbed a mat and parked himself on the floor between my feet. Granted, he was still touching me, but progress was made! I was so excited to capture this moment.
Ash's 4th birthday is fast approaching, but I just keep looking at him and thinking about how little he still is. Sometimes, he’s so cute I can’t stand it. He’s also a really well behaved little boy (most of the time) and I'm lucky that he's mine. While I’m a tad bit sad for him to be growing up, I am not sad to be leaving the diaper phase behind 😂. Life is easier as they get older.
Something changed in Quinn's brain over Christmas break. I'm not sure if some synapses finally bridged that help with emotional control, or if maybe Philip and I finally wore down his stubbornness with our consistency in not giving into his bullshit (wishful thinking), or if getting an iPad for Christmas finally gave us the leverage we needed to better guide his behavior. Probably the latter. Whatever it was, I fully welcome it because life has been so much more peaceful! The past three years of challenging behaviors have been some of the hardest of my life. We've all learned a lot from them, that's for sure.
He looks so cute here. Too bad the story behind the grin doesn't match the sweetness. He had just looked up at me from his screen and said, "Hey Mom, I farted." I swear 🤦🏻♀️.
He may be having some brain rot from that screen, but he is learning one valuable lesson from it: time management. We put a screen limit on his account, and once he reaches it, he's done for the day. I try to give him some warnings when I think he's blowing through it quickly, but he rarely heeds them. Oh well.
Doing homework with Quinn was a nightmare, so Philip took over that task, but once I stopped doing it, Quinn started asking to do it with me again. I'm happy to do it with him if he's going to be cooperative. He doesn't pull the crap with his dad like he does with me. I was dreading that entire week of snow packets, but he completed them without incident. It's been such a pleasant change!
Another transformation came in the form of bravery and endearment. The other day, out of the blue, Quinn came to tell me that he was going to go upstairs and take a bath by himself. The same child who, twenty minutes earlier, had asked me to accompany him to his room to find a belt. I went up after I heard the water running for a few minutes to remind him not to overflow the tub, and to wash all of his parts. I asked if he needed anything, and he said he didn't, so I left. He stayed in the bathroom alone for approximately 3.5 minutes, but he accomplished his task 😂. It's a start!
There are multiple times a day when Quinn seeks me out for a spontaneous hug. He can be so stubborn, so I am grateful for these tender moments when I get them from him. He is not usually the kid who calms down from a hug, and while he's not one to refuse a hug, it hasn't previously been a source of connection for us. I often ask myself if that's because of me and my past inability to properly emote, and I don't have an answer for that. I hope that's not the case. I want to be motherly to my children, and I feel like that's a standard mothering move. They're both so different. Ash is a kid who calms down from a hug, or a boo boo kiss, or a reminder to take a deep breath. Maybe it's just his age, but I hope so much that he doesn't outgrow it. I also hope this new serene state of Quinn's is here to stay.
3/4th of my heart in one photo 🫶🏻
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