Guys, I’m struggling. 

Let me tell you about three things that happened this week that compounded to make me feel like a shit parent. 

1. Quinn may have* swallowed a marble. I was gathering some planters to put away and saw it in one. I didn’t remove it, which was a rookie mistake, and went to get the rest of the planters, with the intention of putting them all in the storage building. I walked away for 1.5 seconds and in that time, Quinn came over, found the marble, and put it in his mouth. I think. I can’t swear that he actually swallowed it, but I can’t find it anywhere so that’s the most logical conclusion. *Edited to add, at the time of writing, I was unsure. It has since been confirmed. 
2. I took him to the store in the middle of the day and a stranger touched his head while I was looking at something. A vaccinated stranger? From the looks of her, probably not. That’s not meant to sound judgmental, there were just many indications that a fear of Covid wasn’t the worst thing going on in her life. Either way, there’s a 50/50 chance she wasn’t, and I don’t like those odds. 
3. I took Quinn to Story Hour at the library the past two weeks. I know what you’re thinking, “That makes you a shit parent?” Well, the first week was great, there were only about 7 kids there, total. This week there were about 20. 

Why did these things make me feel like a failure? 

1. I’m not new to toddler shenanigans. I should have removed the marble as soon as I saw it. 
2. I should have made sure to be mindful of our surroundings and intercepted the touching. Just when I felt as though I could start to do things again, still being mindful that Quinn is at risk, but maybe I could grab something quickly at the store, if need be, this happens. I get it; he’s cute, he has a great smile, and there’s a 75% chance he’ll talk to you. However, COVID is still around. Don’t touch people. It’s not hard. This makes me feel as though I’m going to have to isolate again and that makes me feel very, very sad. 
3. I exposed him to nineteen possibilities of catching a deadly virus. You can think I’m over-reacting and live your life with a “I won’t live in fear attitude,” but I won’t live mine thinking “it won’t happen to me (or someone I love).” I think having experienced the tragedy of losing someone so, so important to me at a young age made me hyper aware that bad shit can and does happen. Some things aren’t preventable but some of them are. 

So, even though I spend hours planning, preparing, and executing activities to help foster his development, love him with every fiber of my being, and strive to do what is best for him, I still feel like a failure sometimes. It’s hard to see the big picture in anxiety filled moments. It’s invaluable having a supportive spouse who helps me clear my irrational thoughts and see things more clearly. I will probably take Quinn back to Story Hour. We have to weigh the risk vs. reward and this is such a critical time in his life when he’s learning so much and socialization is so important. That doesn’t make me less nervous about it. The marble problem fixed itself 💩 . That doesn’t make it less of a mistake on my part. I will continue to do grocery pickup when possible and try to avoid shopping with him during peak hours and leave him with Philip whenever I can. In a more rational state of mind, I realize these problems weren’t all THAT big. However, I’m kind of in a down cycle right now with depression and that can make every problem feel harder and heavier. I tell you this, not for sympathy but for transparency, as I’m not ashamed to talk about my mental health. I’m considering talking to my PCP about adjusting my medicine, but I haven’t decided on that yet. Depression dulls my fire. My sassy bluntness is either what you really like about me, or you really don’t, but it’s a big part of my personality. Whenever I feel down, it feels like I lose a little bit (or a lot, depending on the depth), of myself. 

Anyway, we do the best we can in each moment. 

Enjoying his snack 😆

I’ve planned several activities for Quinn lately and he mostly hated them 😂🤦🏻‍♀️. Okay, he didn’t hate them but saying he was completely disinterested is pretty accurate. Child-led activities are always best, but I thought I had really picked some that would capture his attention as they related so well to his most recent interests. I was super excited about some of them, too 🤪🤣. Oh well. We’ll try them again another time. 

He’s scared of worms so I thought doing an activity that made worms seem fun might be helpful. I made an edible “dirt” with chocolate pudding mix, cornstarch, and water and added gummy worms to it. Digging for them started out okayyyy..

I told him he could taste them 😂. You can see from the look on his face that he was hesitant. 

He definitely was NOT impressed with my creation. While he did humor me for about 3 minutes, he ultimately said, “All done,” and left me for Blippi 🤷🏻‍♀️.

My next bad idea (🤪) involved crushing Fruity Pebbles with a rolling pin to create a colorful sand-like substance that we could sift. 

The crushing took longer than expected to get them fine enough and had I put more thought into it, I would have pre-crushed the majority of it before getting him involved. We added some animal beads to sift out. 

Even though we tried a couple of different tools, this activity fell short. Sifting really requires a side to side motion and Quinn really enjoys shaking things up and down 🤦🏻‍♀️. This will be something we try again when he’s older 😉. 

Quinn LOVES play dough so I thought this activity would really be a hit. I made homemade play dough just so that it would be white. Who knew finding white play dough is so hard? Anyway, the idea was to create a confetti dough by adding tissue paper to it. 

However, he really just wanted to dump the tub of tissue paper on the floor and make foot prints in the dough 🤦🏻‍♀️🤦🏻‍♀️🤦🏻‍♀️. 
BUT.. we tried again a few days later with his cousins and he actually attended to pushing the paper in. 

The teenagers “donated” 😉 the play dough they confetti-ed to Quinn so now he has a massive amount and we play with it daily. That’s one thing I love about Haleigh and Coen: they will still do crafts with me. Even when it’s something juvenile and totally below their level. We’ve always done crafts together and I appreciate their willingness to still spend time with me doing that 🥰. 

He’s half naked outside in that pic because he had just had his first experience with a sprinkler prior to taking it. This was another activity he didn’t care for 🤣, although I don’t take offense for that one as it wasn’t my idea. 

Kate and Ivy tried so hard to get him involved 💕.

Aside from my failed activities attempts, we’ve had days of unfillable demands (not that I’m in the habit of taking demands from a toddler anyway but I couldn’t even if I wanted to). Repeated requests like, “Turn it on,” to non-powered toys, wanting the non-detachable roof of his stroller “Off,” and an inflated ball “open”, to name a few 🙄. We’ve also progressed to super fun tantrums when he’s overly tired that consist of either “No,” “Bye,” or “All done,” for 30 minutes before conceding to sleep. Thank goodness they’re only occasional as I run a tight nap ship 😂 🥱😴.

Quinn has also tried his hand, or foot, rather, at manipulation recently. The fun new thing to do nowadays is to take off his shoes and then yell that he wants you to “Put it on!” Well, he pulled this antic on a walk one day last week while riding in his stroller. I caught him trying to remove his shoe and told him he had better leave it on so his foot wouldn’t get cold. Mind you, it’s been like 80 some degrees in the evenings so that was bull anyway. A few seconds later, shoe was removed and he was ordering us to “Put it on!” When we refused, after explaining why we wouldn’t (we told you not to take it off), he started saying, “Brrrrrr,” grabbing his foot, pretending it was cold 🤣🤣🤣🤣. You can’t beat me at my own game, kid. 

That’s not the only trick he has pulled. We have a nightly routine of walking the dogs where I take Quinn around the block while Philip gets the dogs ready (Sansa still requires a prong collar because she’s strong and lacks social skills—meaning she’ll pull you over trying to get pats from strangers 🙄). He then walks down to the trail through our yard and over the train tracks. He always says hi to Quinn but Quinn has recently started refusing to say hi back. He gets a big smile on his face and says, “No,” when Philip greets him. Philip gives him a pretend pep talk before we leave, telling him he had better say hi to him when he sees him. One day, as we were nearing our meet up spot, I asked Quinn if he was going to say hi to Dada when he saw him. Quinn told me no and I asked why. His response? “Funny.” He thinks it’s funny to tell him no 😂. 

He also thinks it’s funny to fling his bubble wand so that bubbles get in my mouth.

And to tickle my feet when I’m soaking them in his pool while he plays. 

Although, to be fair, he also thinks it’s funny to tickle his own feet 😆🤦🏻‍♀️. 

He kept saying, “Tickle,” and laughing 😂. 

He tries so hard to be helpful but the last time I was mopping the hardwood floor in the living room, he went and got a rag to help but brought it back already wet. Where did he get it wet, you ask? The dog water bowl 🤦🏻‍♀️🤦🏻‍♀️🤦🏻‍♀️. 

Everything in our house is “Hiding” if you ask Quinn where it is. Not only is it hiding, but you must also search for it while saying its name in a long, drawn out manner. 

M: “Where’s your bink, babe?”

Q: “Hiding.”

M: “It’s hiding?”

Q; “Yeah. Biiiiinnnnkkkkkkkk”

*The expectation is for me to mimic this and ask it where it is---“Bink, where are you?” while we look for it*.

I turned his love of hiding things into a game, using his Blippi figures and balls. This conversation went something like:

M: “Let’s hide Blippi.”

M: “Where is he?”

Q: *laughs and shrugs*

M: “Can you find him?”

Q: “Yeah!”

Q: *lifts Blippi ball*

Q: “Astronaut!” (Well, his version of that word, anyway 😉) 

We played this FOR.EV.ER

He even hides his eyes now so I can move the astronaut (his favorite Blippi) around 😆. 

While it may seem like this post contains a lot of negativity, I assure you, I’m soaking in every moment with this kid. I’m acutely aware that someday I’m going to miss him calling me Mama, and the way he pronounces work and milk with a p on the end— “worp,” and “milp” and water like “wah-ye,” for some reason. And definitely the way he runs, and cuddling with him at bedtime until he falls asleep. As the saying goes, the days are long, but the years are short. Well, except for 2020, which lasted approximately 9 dog years. My baby will be two next month and time is just going so fast. Everyone tells you it does, but you just don’t know until you know. You know? So, for every demanding, (let me) “Have it,” “Get it,” and (let me) “Wear it,” I will try to take a deep breath and keep insisting on a “Please,” and know this phase won’t last forever ❤️ .

Quinn isn’t the only one giving me grief lately. These girls seem to ALWAYS be in the way of where I need to be. Quinn insists on diaper changes on the floor now, while laying his head on his elephant. If you have a dog, you know, sitting on the floor 100% means you want either A) sat on or B) dog kisses. Sansa is happy to oblige with both. Do you know how hard it is to change a diaper while trying to dodge a 100 pound distraction? If she isn’t trying to kiss me, she’s licking him and he’s 100% likely to open his mouth to receive them. I wish I was kidding 🤦🏻‍♀️🤦🏻‍♀️🤢🤮. Ugh. 

That’s HIS tongue. HE’S trying to lick HER. 🙄🤦🏻‍♀️🤦🏻‍♀️🤷🏻‍♀️. When I took this pic I sent it to Philip and said, “Your child is so gross.” 🙃

I can’t even swing without a dog in my way 🤦🏻‍♀️. 

Sophie is starved for attention (because her love bank is never full. Ever.) so she’s attached to my side whenever she can be as long as Quinn isn’t trying to touch her. The moment he goes to bed, she thinks I’m then obligated to pet her or let her touch me the rest of the night. She even comes in and whines sometimes if she, apparently, thinks putting him to sleep is taking too long 🤬🤫. 

Watching us play outside 

She’s lucky she’s cute 🤪. 


Sophie looks a little cranky but this was like the 15th take. Getting the 3 of them to look in the same direction at the same time is challenging!